The venue itself was an interesting one, it was held in the basement of and old catholic church(which is still in use today and the church is actually a very nice place) which is called the crypt. So i was on my way there nice and early. Not really feeling anything. There was a feeling of uneasy silence within me though, and i did my best to shake it off by singing some songs to myself on the way.
So in the exam venue itself....felt pretty confident looking through the paper during reading time. Somehow midway through the second question, there was something slightly abnormal about it, and it kinda threw me off course. The 3rd question was my bogey question, and at that time i knew my mind was in a state of panic. I tried my very hardest to refocus and get it back in check but i just couldnt. So bad till i couldnt read values off a table without having to recheck it 15 times. Skipped it and went to question 4, a very much easier question which i would ace on any given day. My mind was blank. I didnt know what to do or how to start. At this point of time i knew i was going to fail the paper if i went on. My mind started imagining coming back early to london during the summer to resit the paper, no scholarship money next term, no exemptions, everything negative that you could think of was bombarding my mind.
I stood up immediately without even asking the invigilators(did i spell that right?), and asked to go to the washroom, knowing that if i went on i would surely fail. That few moments in the washroom was so so crucial and tense. I even told the escorting invigilator "man i'm panicking man.." to which he gave a curt reply of "you need to relax". Yeah easy for you to say cause you're not the one taking it.
But i did come back from the toilet a lot more composed. And i managed to salvage most of the paper, including the 1st few ones which i panicked in. I didnt really get them right, neither was i able to complete a question at the end, but at least now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Not excellent maybe(considering the fact that out of all my subjects this is the one i had most confidence in), but at least i have a decent chance of retaining my scholarship and getting that exemption.
Looking back, i can actually be bitter about the fact that i panicked and amost failed in the exam. But i guess i wont, apart from the side fact that it would do me no good to feel that way, but more importantly i guess this is a good chance to thank God that i actually escaped from the brink of failure. Never have i before in the middle of an exam began rebuking feelings of panic(which surfaced again after i came back from the toilet) and recalling all those bible verses of God's promises...and man...i really believe that was what saw me through today. The worst might not yet have come, but as Paul said "What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:26
i think the best way to sum this day's event up is to echo the words of the hymnwriter
And because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
And because i know, i know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives.
The next paper will probably be the worst of all. But i will not fear, or neither will i yield.
"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loves us" Romans 8:37
Amen
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